Helping Kids Manage Big Feelings: Emotional Regulation Tips for Parents
When big feelings show up, it can feel like the whole house goes off the rails. One minute your child’s fine, the next they’re yelling, crying or shutting down — and you’re left wondering how things escalated so quickly.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many kids struggle with emotional regulation — the ability to manage feelings in healthy, appropriate ways. The good news? Emotional regulation isn’t something kids either have or don’t have. It’s a skill that must be taught, supported and strengthened over time.
1. Start with the Basics
Before we talk about emotional tools or calm-down strategies, it’s important to look at the foundation. Regulation starts with the body.
If your child is tired, hungry or hasn’t moved their body lately, their brain simply has fewer resources to manage frustration or disappointment. You can think of this as preventative maintenance — the daily habits that keep the emotional system running smoothly.
Food: Try not to let kids go too long between meals or snacks. And don’t forget the good stuff like protein, fruits and vegetables.
Exercise and movement: Physical activity “burns off” stress hormones and helps reset the nervous system. Even short bursts of movement — a quick dance break, trampoline time or walk around the block — can make a difference. This is just one reason why recess is so critical at school.
Sleep: Kids who are short on sleep have a much harder time with flexibility, patience and impulse control. A predictable bedtime routine is one of the best regulation tools you can give your child.
Taking care of these basics doesn’t eliminate meltdowns, but it can make everything else easier.
2. Connect Before You Correct
When your child is upset, the first and most powerful thing you can do is connect. Validation helps the emotional storm start to settle.
You might say:
“That was really disappointing.”
“You’re feeling frustrated right now.”
“It’s okay to feel mad. I’m right here.”
You’re not fixing or agreeing with the behavior — you’re showing your child they’re safe and understood. Once that connection is made, their brain is more open to calming down and problem-solving.
3. Help Your Child Name Their Feelings
Helping kids label what they’re feeling gives them language and perspective. When kids can name emotions, it’s easier for them to separate the feeling from the reaction.
You can:
Use a feelings chart with younger kids to expand their emotional vocabulary. (I love the one from Coping Skills for Kids.)
Offer choices: “Does this feel more like angry or disappointed?”
Model your own emotions: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take a breath.”
Separating the feeling from the reaction is where regulation begins. Dan Siegel, renowned psychiatrist, educator and author describes it this way: “Name it to tame it.”
4. Co-Regulate First
It’s tempting to tell kids to “calm down,” but in the moment, they often can’t — their brains need your calm first. Kids learn regulation through co-regulation — borrowing your calm until they can find their own.
Co-regulation might look like:
Sitting quietly nearby, not talking yet.
Offering gentle words (“Let’s both take a few slow breaths”).
Keeping your voice calm, even when theirs isn’t.
When you stay steady, you’re giving your child’s nervous system something to anchor to, using the brain’s “mirror neurons." Over time, they’ll internalize that calm and begin to access it themselves.
5. Practice Tools When Everyone’s Calm
No learning can happen when a brain is dysregulated, so save the teaching for a time when your child is calm. This might be later or possibly even the next day. Talk about tools they can use next time they feel this way.
Some ideas:
Breathing techniques or grounding exercises.
A “calm-down kit” with sensory tools (like a stress ball or putty).
Short self-talk phrases: “I can handle this,” “I can take a break.”
Practice in low-stress moments so these tools feel familiar when emotions run high. Again, I love the resources from Coping Skills for Kids, especially their Coping Card Decks.
5. Keep Boundaries and Routines Steady
Supporting your child emotionally doesn’t mean letting go of structure. In fact, predictability and clear limits are comforting to kids who struggle with regulation.
Try to:
Keep routines as consistent as possible (bedtime, transitions, homework time).
Set limits calmly and clearly (“It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to hit”).
Follow through on expectations without adding shame or anger.
Boundaries give kids the security to explore their emotions safely.
6. Model Regulation in Real Time
Your calm is contagious. When your child sees you handle frustration, disappointment or stress in healthy ways, you’re showing them what regulation looks like. I always recommend narrating your own internal dialogue out loud for your child to hear.
You might say:
“I’m feeling really stressed right now. I’m going to take a short break and come back.”
“That was frustrating — I need a deep breath.”
You’re not expected to be perfectly calm all the time. But showing your own recovery process teaches your child that big feelings are normal — and manageable.
A Final Thought
Helping kids manage emotions isn’t about stopping the feelings — it’s about building the skills to handle them. Every time you validate, co-regulate or support healthy routines, you’re wiring your child’s brain for resilience.
Small, consistent efforts — even on messy days — add up to big change. Progress is indeed measured in baby steps.
Sign up here to receive Carrie’s Sunday email series, The Sunday Brain Boost. Simple strategies to help students thrive, one Sunday at a time.
Carrie Bonnett is a veteran teacher and Executive Function coach based in Bend, OR. Carrie works with students and families (and adults, too). Her coaching empowers students to thrive in life and in school, helps parents and teachers to better support their children, and guides adult to get on top of all that life requires. In addition to coaching, she is also an adjunct instructor for early-career teachers at University of Portland in Oregon. For more information, visit www.carriebonnett.com
